Bits & Pieces

I recently entered into deliberate daily silences for extended, consecutive hours of my work day. The decision was inspired by my angels. As usual, I was not necessarily willing …. at first. Now that I’ve spent so many days being quiet, I can see the wisdom in it.

On the eve of the decision for deliberate silence I slammed shut, in angry annoyance, a novel I had been reading for several days. The book was by a writer who I had long admired, having read at least six of her other books without incident. But this one? Ugh. After reading half of it, I had to stop. It was just too hateful to pass off as fiction. Lesson learned: reading other books while I’m writing my own doesn’t agree with my creativity. 😦

Entering into deliberate periods of silence is not easy. No reading. No television. No online activity, whatsoever. No checking emails. Obviously, no social media. No smartphone app games. And no telephone conversations. Not even music. The point is to avoid all external messages, overt and subliminal, in order to let ideas flow unhindered, organic and untainted. It’s working.

To pass the time, I ironed a bunch of my husband’s uniforms for work on the first silent day. On the second day I went to the craft store, bought knitting needles and yarn. I watched four different Youtube videos to teach myself how to knit. 

Now I am knitting a scarf for my husband. I keep my journal close by and jot down the ideas as they come to me. 

I can see why the world worships at the feet of busyness and noise. The mind can be merciless when we sit still. Emotions will at first spill over— splashing, swishing, bouncing, zipping and zinging, non-stop. Guilt. How can you knit? Get back to work! Do something useful! Shame. Remembering the bad old days, crappy choices, regrets, embarrassing moments— oiy! Reigning in the rowdy thoughts is a constant practice.

Eventually, boredom sets in. And I’m often tempted to rush the creative process. It can’t be done. So I sit, chill out …. stay in the moment.

I went to the grocery store yesterday with my hair in that style. At first I was going to cover it, wear a baseball cap. I thought I looked like someone in a boy band. But then I thought about the silent days accrued and the world I have cultivated inside of them, a world in which I am loved deeply and expansively. And I banished the idea of wearing a baseball cap. 

Sometimes, during the quiet time, a mental voice will say something mean to me and a negative spiral might ensue. I’ve learned how to stop it with these words: I love you, Maria. And just like that, the mean voice halts.

I remember, last spring, when the Love journey idea came to me and I felt kind of ridiculous blogging about it. And yet, I stayed the course because my instincts have never been wrong. And now here I am, filled with a kind of love I had lacked most of my life. 

Nowadays, it’s obvious to me how intentional the world around us is about steering us all clear of self-care and self-love. Everywhere I turned in the known world, my insecurities have been spoon-fed heaps of reinforcements. I am no longer fooled by shaming words like narcissism, selfish, conceited, and the like. 

I see you, world; the labyrinth of your machinations have been impressive. It’s easier to manipulate insecure people towards spending, buying things they don’t need, than it is to manipulate self-loving, confident people.

I take selfies. I’ve placed extra mirrors in my home. I smile at myself more instead of looking away embarrassed. I look into my own eyes and can now see the divinity within, the divinity which exists in all of us, the divinity which keeps us connected.

The more love I feel for myself, the more love I feel for the world. 

The more love I feel, the more confident I feel. With confidence comes courage, and with courage, dream chasing feels less daunting and more realistic. And the more love I feel, the less I worry about external perceptions. My love, my lens. Their lens, their baggage, their shit. My baggage is heavy enough without taking on any extras.

This all takes work though. I have to be intentional about how I spend my hours, all of the moments. I still fall down sometimes. But I will never give up (on me). The love I am feeling blooms too steadily for that.

It’s so simple. I’m amazed how long it has taken to get here. 

 

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. Claudette says:

    This post is so amazing. I think I will try it, the silence, the introspection. Inspiring. 💟

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Donna Watson says:

    simply stated and genuine, thank you

    Liked by 1 person

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