I Am No Longer Her

Nine months.

That’s how long I’ve been writing on this blog, becoming a new me, living out loud in some instances, for any set of eyes within internet range to see as they wish. I fought to get here, punched through ghosts and demons, hurdled over voices in my head, the self-hater, the shame-slinger, the guilt-wielding sorceress— crawling and running, ducking and dodging them all, to arrive at this place, to find my true voice, to become my authentic self.

See that picture? That’s the new me, chillaxing today, in her confident glory, laying in bed, comfortable in her own skin. I’m better. I am so much better.

And I’m not even done. Not even near done.

How did I find all this confidence? The short version is, I shut the world out of my life. No television, no news, no internet, no movies, no social networking, no people, no animals— just me, inside a pretty pink and yellow cave called my office. And the rare conversations occurred with an immediate family of deeply committed, loved ones. These talks were too rare and precious for sarcasm or disparagement. Absence does, in fact, make the heart grow fonder. So whenever I connected with my hubby or each of our children, it was all about lifting ourselves up. And all it takes is one person committed to that idea (me) to keep it going every single time.

Sure, I have ventured out, left my dwelling and loved ones, for the required errands— bank runs, grocery, library, gas stations, post office, doctor visits, etc. But I have been walking this planet on such new legs, seeing everything around me with such new eyes, hearing but not really hearing. Outside my home there is the constant din of audible activities, but my own sweet breaths are louder to the ears, providing a rhythm I can feel in my bones, and in the beating of my heart. It’s called JOY. I love this life.

I feel invincible. I know who I am. I know exactly who I am. I know my purpose and I have my passion.

See that book on my chest? Do yourself a favor, go get it. But only get it if you are ready to change everything. Maybe you don’t need to change anything at all. Maybe your life is perfect for you just the way it is. And if that’s the case— awesome! Clearly, you possess secrets I have only just now discovered.

I used to privately hate myself. Each day, whenever I was about to leave my home, I would get all dressed up, put on a little makeup, nails were painted, hair primped in place, I worked out, tried to stay thin— did all that to hide my imperfections and dominant feelings of low self-worth. Even as I shook hands with colleagues, hugged friends hello and goodbye, haggled salespeople to the lowest price, conducted surveys for research, greeted newcomers in my life, offered sage advice— even whilst doing all those things, I honestly believed I was beneath everyone around me. I thought they were better and I was lowly, lowly because I thought I was damaged and they seemed whole.

Today? Wow wow wow!! Everything’s different today. I am not that insecure woman anymore. Today I am an entirely new me. I love me dearly. I cherish and adore me sincerely. It wasn’t just one thing that brought about these changes. It has been a combination of practices, employed over a seventeen month period, towards becoming the new and improved version of Maria.

A few books have helped to open my eyes. My favorite one this year so far is, Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself by Dr. Joe Dispenza. If you are ready for a change it has to begin with you. No book is going to help. But if you’ve been thinking new thoughts lately, if you’ve been trying new approaches and you’re wondering how to keep the newness going, this book is for you.

Thanks for following along with me on this journey. When I first started this blog, I wasn’t sure how it would unfold. All I knew was I wanted to write, not just write, but write in a way that would force me to be accountable to my wishes and hopes for improving. Blogging was my way of doing that. Baring my soul while pursuing my dreams, showing the world how much I believe in our shared experiences. I’m only just getting started and I am thrilled for the new seasons ahead.

 

Happy New Year! I wish you beautiful blessings,

wonderful love and joyful surprises in 2018.

Love, Maria

 

 

 

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If your thoughts determine your reality, and you keep thinking the same thoughts (which are a product and reflection of the environment), then you will continue to produce the same reality day after day. Thus, your internal thoughts and feelings exactly match your external life, because it is your outer reality— with all of its problems, conditions, and circumstances— that is influencing how you’re thinking and feeling in your inner reality.

—Dr. Joe Dispenza, Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself