You know what I love about God? He takes me exactly as I am. God and me, we go waaayyyy back. So I don’t need any individual or group or building to tell me how to find him or what he thinks of me. I have never felt devoid of his presence (You see what I did there? Right. The God I know doesn’t care if I refer to him/her with lower case pronouns). Even in my shittiest moments I always feel her near me. I have the kind of personality which occasionally leans towards assholery and God is as good with that as I have finally learned to be with myself. Actually God is good with who I am much more than I tend to be.
I’m at a point in my life where I don’t pretend anymore for anyone. This is me, Maria, and I have very little shame left in my game (I’m leaving room for the occasional shadow of Shame who likes to jump up and punch me in the face when I’m not looking— she sucks but I love her still). Yesterday I was in a funky place, felt kind of cranky, tired of the general world and all its happenings. I’ve been happily distracted from situations of our current day, keeping super busy with interviews and spreadsheets.
A lot has been happening in the wake of my work in progress and I have been unprepared for the way events branched out into unforeseen results. For example, I didn’t expect to feel so heartbroken when all of the many weeks of interviewing came to an end a few days ago. I thought I would feel mostly relief because it was pretty exhausting and now I could take a much needed break before the next round. But the reality is, suddenly I am back in the world of trending topics for conversations as opposed to the beautiful heart to heart discussions I was having with so many different women up until last week. *sigh*
So then I started getting cranky because the political climate is still as hot as a steaming pile of fresh poop and I’m beginning to feel its smelly heat on my face all over again. Some days I just feel helplessly angry and frustrated. Like yesterday. I was out running errands. On the way back home, while at a stop light, I saw a vagrant standing a few yards away from my car with his sign, and the sight of him pissed me off. Wait- what? Why, Maria, whyyyy? I can’t explain it, it is illogical. All I know is I started cursing him for his untapped potential. And just as soon as I began cursing him, I was ashamed. And in my mind I turned to God and I was all like, What?!
And God was his patient and gentle self and he said nothing. Just lovingly stared me down.
And I was like, I don’t know what you expect me to do! And I wasn’t talking about the vagrant because my generosity days ended — unbeknownst to me— on November 9, 2016, with the election of this new president. So I had no confusion about refusing to roll down my window and giving anyone a buck. No sir! That was not going to happen. But I didn’t feel good about it. I couldn’t even savor a little smug disdain. Because there was God, staring and loving me in spite of my bitter frustration. And I just wanted to stomp on God’s foot (seriously!)— anything to get a more logical reaction to my rotten behavior.
And then he answered me. Yup. He answered me through the loving response of the hubs when he came home that night and allowed me to vent. He answered me this morning when I got the space and solitude I needed to meditate and journal. He answered me again as I worked on spreadsheets and jotted down ideas for the next phase of the work in progress. And the answers just kept rolling through for the rest of the day.
I had an outstanding therapy session this afternoon. Afterwards I went to the gym and got a workout in. In the picture (above or left), that’s me eating ice cream after my workout today. The secret’s out: I work out in order to eat all the junk I still crave as an occasionally irresponsible adult. While I was eating ice cream I watched this outstanding video on Youtube, featuring Oprah Winfrey reciting Maya Angelou’s poem, Phenomenal Woman. I needed something inspirational and when I searched Youtube, that poem jumped out at me because it’s always been one of my favorites by Maya. It was right on time. And once again, I felt God speaking directly to me through another of her angels.
I feel a thousand times better today. I realized something beautiful: we are all going to be alright. We find our best selves in the difficult times. We really do.