Just Gonna Say Whatever

This is a brain dump. Why? Because it’s been torture to have my last post just sitting there as the front runner for so long on the blog. And the irony is I haven’t been able to come up with a blog post topic I feel strong enough about to replace it. Fml.

So this is it. I’m replacing it with malarkey, crapola, brain clutter— anything is better than having it just sit there being the headline on the blog. How’s that for becoming? Yes, I can celebrate my flaws and opine on social trends with fair ease. But when it comes to discussing how truly happy my husband makes me, I assume everyone’s looking at me like I’m picking my nose or I just farted or something. Maybe it’s paranoia or PTSD or habitual self-shaming around joyfulness. Or maybe it’s a combination of all that. Whatever, I’m writing this ramble.

I actually have ideas, topics I’d like to come here and wax poetic about. But if I can’t give a topic the time it deserves for writing, I can’t throw it on here all slipshod, willy-nilly. Sooo … brain dump!

  1. I am struggling to keep bringing the truth of my unfolding and becoming to the blog. The more in-real-life people follow the blog, the more I panic. I hate that. It’s bullshit and I’m going to get past it, so help me.
  2. I am trying to stay in my head and get the hell out of my head at the same time. Stay in my head because I need to focus. As a creative, inside my head is ground zero for getting work done. Stay out of my head because as a sober alcoholic, the voices never stop! Inside my head is raucous, wild and self-hateful.
  3. I think the world sucks right now. And I don’t want to feel this way as often as I’ve been feeling it. Not even violent fantasies appease me the way they used to. All those thoughts of roundhouse kicks, throat punches and kidney punches, instead of making me smile, they only make me feel tired.
  4. I miss blogging. But book writing has to be first right now. And sometimes I find myself withholding a lot of prose here so I can save my best juice for the book. Ugh! It’s such a tricky balancing act.
  5. I’m avoiding the internet because of all the rabbit holes. Even with this post. I need to get in, get out and stay off the damn internet.
  6. The news? Absolutely NOT. I have no idea what’s going on and I have no desire or need to know. If a missile is pointed at us what’s knowing about it going to do? I need all the ignorant bliss I can get right now.
  7. Here comes the fuckin holidays.
  8. The neighbor’s dog keeps terrorizing the neighborhood. How hard is it to keep that animal on a leash? Smh.

Okay, done. Back to work I go. Whew! I feel better already. Keeping it real is, hands down, one of my favorite pastimes. Throw in a little immaturity and a smidge of potty mouth? That’s like adding whipped cream to a slice of pie in my book. And I’m not even sure if all of this made sense or if some of it was contradictory. It’s a brain dump, sooo …. yeah.