No More Howling Wolf

I’m keeping an internal promise made when I decided to start this blog. Since this blog is about me and my journey, I promised myself I wouldn’t drag along any unsuspecting parties. As much as I would love to share images of loved ones, the wonderful and constant hero of my life, The Hubs; my gorgeous and brilliant daughters; my beautiful and gracious friends; and the best damn clan of in-laws a formerly broken girl like me could ever hope to ask for— I won’t. I will not post pictures of my Love People.

This journey is filled with raw reveals and while I don’t mind baring a little of my own soul, my loved ones are entitled to keep their private lives.

I am so full with loving thoughts of each of them this morning, I must record it here.

I used to pine for love, pine the way a wolf howls at the moon. Ohhhh, I was soooo hungry for love. But I was a conflicted woman, incongruous in her actions. As desperate as I felt to be liked, loved, approved of, I was also proud, arrogant, resentful. I hissed and growled in my throat at any thought of forced ingratiating, the thought of having to grovel. Ugh! My back arched like a frightened cat, and mentally I railed, foamed in my mouth and clawed, reaching for eyes with sharp claws.

Now. Now feels different. Right here, in this very moment, I am filled up with so much love. I spent so long staring at the empty spaces throughout the years, I often lost sight of the spaces which were actually full.

But how did I get here? I had to pull back. I had to step away from the teeming world of people, all the constant noise, the hustling, chattering, those places where I questioned who I was and how I fit in, falling to my knees in the midst of an oblivious crowd as I howled into their skies like the wolf.

Comparing, coveting, wishing, wondering …. Do I fit here? Have I done enough? Will you love me? Will you give up and leave me? Am I worthy ? Am I too damaged? Am I too late for redemption? Can you see my darkness? Can you smell my demons? What if I need the darkness? What if I desire to keep my demons? What if they’re attached to me like lungs or arms? Can we still be friends?

Ahhh, today …. sweet loving life, I am finally here. In this moment — the only space of time that ever truly matters — those questions have vaporized, like a dissipating fog helpless in the approaching rays of the sun.

The crowd was killing me. Today life is quiet and I can feel all the love I ever needed, like a warm blanket in a cold room …. so soft, so good. Whether it’s daily life with The Hubs or visiting with a daughter or a visit through a phone call or a jaunt with a friend, I have so much love, sometimes it feels as if I am walking on clouds.

More important than the Love People, is the deeper connection I’ve cultivated with me. My inner life has become the most crucial, life beautifying and self-strengthening there is. So as I move through life’s crowds, talking with some, writing with others, commercing, exchanging, fraternizing, I am never more than a daily meditation away from the inner life I am newly and regularly cultivating.

There’s little in life more satisfying than the feeling that at last you’ve taken ownership of yourself. You don’t have to be afraid anymore that some part of you— some fractal not yet integrated into your personality — is going to trip you up. You feel at last like you inhabit yourself. You finally went into all the rooms, turned the lights on, and settled in.

— Marianne Williamson, The Age of Miracles